Yep, today is the day I turned 40.
It's all over.
I'm done.
No turning back........................................................
I've come a long way baby! I done with always second guessing myself. I'm over what people think of me! Who cares. I know my self now! It matters more what I think of me. Yep, no going back to thinking everyone else must be right and I must be in the wrong. I've lived. I've learned. Sure I'm wrong, but not always. And if someone ever tries to tell me who I am, ever again, it will be like water off of a ducks back. No one needs to tell me who I am, because I know myself better than ever. I know my weaknesses, what I have to work on. I know my strengths and talents, too.
I was dreading this birthday. I always thought 40 sounded old. My Mom's best friend died at 39 and that was terribly sad. I was 17 at the time and thought that at least she got to live her life and do everything (at least everything that I wanted to get to do at that time in my life). So since I was 17, I thought 40 was a fully lived life. Ha! I have only just begun!
The 10 years of living through my 30 was no walk in the park. I have been through the unexpected, there have been many growing pains, mistakes and trials. I have doubted myself, tried and weighed my motives and wondered if I was on the right path. I have been uprooted, rejected, and deeply hurt. I have been scared to death, doubting and full of dread. I have walked straight into the unknown and started life all over. Yes, at times I have felt so beaten down I wasn't sure how to stand up straight and continue on. But then there was the great transformation......................
I have been a believer in Jesus since I was 6 years old. I have walked in my faith through childhood, the teen years, my young adult years of marriage and childbirth, and have hung on tight through the trials of my 30's. God never left and he never failed. He has put me through the fire and I have found that he is my greatest treasure! Each step of the way he has lovely shaped my life and has places passions and dreams into my heart. I love him now more than ever. I trust him now more than I ever did. I can see how through the bad times, he carries his own through. Through each trial his child goes through he is calling that child closer to his heart, calling his child to look away from this world to see his face, his way, his love.
I'm over the hill! That's right, for me, in my life, I am over the hill of wondering who I am and who God has made me to be. And let me tell you the other side is sweet green pasture! I am beginning. I am saying "Hello" to the second chapter of my life! I'm looking forward to living it all out for my Lord Jesus. I want to be the woman who loves. I want to be the woman who doesn't care if some one is watching and do what is right and follow my Lord. I'm excited for what is ahead.
Yes, when I look in the mirror I see the wrinkles around the eyes. Yes, I have aged and will have to accept that with the passing of time. But I will honestly have to remember I really don't care what people look like on the outside. I care most about what I can see on the inside. The really cool thing about aging is that you can work on becoming more and more beautiful on the inside and it doesn't cost a dime of miracle cream!
I am thankful for every part of my past. Of course I wish I had a time machine and could go back and do somethings over. I wish I would have guarded my heart when I was young. I wish I didn't worry how clean my house was when my first baby was born. I wish I didn't worry so much about fitting in when I was in my 20's and was more myself. But the thing is, every negative and positive thing in my life has made me who I am today. I know I still have a long way to go. There is so much of life that I have never experienced. I don't plan on ever being old. I have a young spirit and do not plan on that ever changing. I will be dancing at my grandkids weddings when I'm 80! I do hope to gain wisdom and grace. I want to make a loving mark on every life that God allows me to touch. I have always felt love inside of me bigger than myself and can't help but love strongly and caring deeply. If I have known someone and we were in some way friends.....I will always care about you. I plan on being that same person for the rest of my life. But today I am turning over a new leaf.............I am stepping into the tomorrow of my life with a stronger love and stronger passion than ever before!
I will not be old until the day after I die. Then I will really not be old at all because I will be with my Lord, with a new body, in heaven!!!!!
